If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
