i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
