I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
