??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
