I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
