haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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