Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I checked into jail on foursquare
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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