I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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