okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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