i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
