you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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