lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
