guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
