goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
