this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
