Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
