Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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