Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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