How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
