My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
