omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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