Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
