ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
