How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
im calling her cock vulture from now on
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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