my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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