saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
