I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
