Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
