dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
