I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
