mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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