i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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