its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
