i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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