Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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