soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
