shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
