I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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