After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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