My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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