Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
