Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
