The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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