I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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