A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I look better un-naked...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
