Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
