4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
