In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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