On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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