TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
