fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
