I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
