two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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