There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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