Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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