Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
