Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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