so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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